I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
