My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
