I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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