I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
