The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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