remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
