i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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