I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
