Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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