Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
