I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
