Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
