And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
