I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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