Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
