What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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