before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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