May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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