WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
