omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
