you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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