you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
