he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize