I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize