Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
