I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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