glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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