I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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