I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
