I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
