did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
