i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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