a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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