The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
