why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
