Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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