Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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