Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My penis needs a shock collar
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
