I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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