wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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