My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
