you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
