If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
