I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
