I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
