I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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