i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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