Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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