Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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