my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
