A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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