in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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