Pants 0. Shit 1.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
