dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
