I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
