My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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