3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
