I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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